Debra Jacobs

Introduction

Years ago my daughter’s Early Intervention therapists invited us to join a playgroup they were starting for internationally adopted children. Of the 12 families in the group, 10 had children from China. Our weekly meetings followed a predictable routine: first playtime with playdough, paint, stacking toys and other materials of great interest to two-year-olds; then we’d walk across the hall to the gym, where the girls (yes, all the children in the group were girls) could climb, swing, bounce balls or play in the sandbox. Then we’d have a brief circle time with a few songs, followed by snack. After snack the children played with EI staff members while the parents went into another room, where we talked about the adoption process, parenting toddlers and issues we were beginning to face as members of transracial families.

This group proved so satisfying to its members that we began to think about how we could continue it once our daughters turned three and aged out of EI. We were clear that our first priority was continuing the parenting support we received in the EI group. While we were right about how important that support would prove to be over the years, we had no idea how critical two other aspects would become as well: the safety and security our children would feel in a group of peers sharing a similar life journey, and the inspiration, learning, comfort and love offered by Iris Ponte, the Chinese-American teacher/role model we hired to lead the group. As of this writing, Iris has been leading the group for seven years. The girls have progressed from building the Great Wall with sugar cubes and making dumplings at Chinese New Year to comparing (with great fascination) the differences and similarities between Chinese weddings and American ones, looking critically at stories about China in the news, discussing instances of school yard bullying and preparing for questions people ask about adoption and family configuration. They are so comfortable with each other in their group setting, and with Iris, that during informal moments they sometimes spontaneously bring up deep issues including abandonment and the one-child policy. They mull over these issues – which they would never discuss with non-adopted friends, or, for some, even with their parents – while they’re playing, sharing snack or just chatting. The girls, at age nine and ten, continue to love their group and look forward to every meeting. And the parents? We’ve supported each other through our children’s successive developmental stages, through emerging special needs and the process of initiating services, and through the heart-rending turmoil that some children experience when they come to understand the loss inherent in their adoption stories. We’ve stocked each others’ freezers as some of our members have adopted younger siblings or have faced recovery from surgery. We’ve celebrated some members’ weddings and helped others through separation. We’ve supported each other as we face the “sandwich” issues of caring for elderly parents as we’re also caring for our children. We have also struggled mightily at moments with issues of communication, personality and commitment, but we’ve managed somehow to work it out. We’ve laughed together, partied together, cried together and been tough with one another. I think all the group members would agree that we have learned a great deal from one another and have become better parents – and richer human beings – because of our mutual support. Our daughters are now on the cusp of adolescence; when they enter those turbulent waters in the next few years I am certain that our group will help us all wade through. Because my older daughter’s group has been so important in her life (and mine), I wanted my other daughter, who is four years younger, to have a similar experience. So when she was two I started another group, embarking on all the logistical work of getting started that my friend, Joyce Tavon, carried out so beautifully with the first. This group is different from the first, but equally important and meaningful. I’ve written this manual to help you see the benefits of establishing a Chinese Culture Group for your child – and yourself – and to see that it’s not so hard to get started. Enjoy! Why Start a Playgroup? 1. Fostering of a sense of pride in and familiarity with your child’s culture of origin. As a member of a Chinese Culture group that meets regularly over many years, your child will develop a sense of being Chinese as a natural and on-going part of her life. While the group can not provide complete cultural competence – only day-to-day immersion with a Chinese or Chinese-American family can do that – it will offer a foundation of understanding. Our hope is that as our daughters mature, this foundation will serve them well as they sort out their complex identities. 2. Creating a sorority of friends who share similar histories and family configurations. Children who live in less diverse communities will benefit from having regular contact with friends who look like they do and whose lives parallel theirs. Yet even those who attend diverse schools and live in multi-racial and multi-ethnic communities will inevitably face questions and comments from schoolmates and will likely experience feelings of “differentness.” For our children, we can not underestimate the value of companionship with fellow travelers. 3. Providing a safe and comfortable place for our children to explore issues of race and identity. As our children move from toddlerhood to pre-school age, from early elementary grades to pre-adolescence, they will move through different stages of questioning and figuring out their identities. Sometimes children are reluctant to discuss these issues with their parents for fear of hurting or worrying them. Chinese Culture Group can provide the safety they need to express concerns and work through these issues with the mutual understanding of others experiencing similar struggles. 4. Developing a support network for parents. Parents meet separately from children, developing camaraderie and supporting each other through each stage of parenthood. Parent discussions can focus on adoption issues (including preparing for those that may arise in the future), on racial/cultural identity, special needs, and parenting in general. Parents can work together to explore what it means to be part of a Chinese-American family. Leadership 1. Necessity of commitment Starting a group is not hard! However, it does require the commitment of one or two people who lead the way. The time commitment required is heavier at first and then lightens as group logistics and routines are put into place. The person who initiates the group does not have to lead it into perpetuity; others can eventually take over some or all of the leadership functions. The first couple of years, however, do require consistent and dedicated leadership. 2. Tasks of a Leader or Leadership Team So what exactly do the leaders/initiators of the group do? Their tasks include: 1. Identifying the mission and goals of the group; 2. Searching for/choosing members; 3. Finding space for the group to meet and negotiating arrangements for use of the space; 4. Scheduling meetings; 5. Searching for and hiring a teacher to work with the kids; 6. Working with the teacher to create a consistent schedule of activities for each group meeting and to ensure that those activities and projects are fun and appropriate; 7. Scheduling the parents’ discussion topics and, at first, facilitating the discussions; 8. Communicating with members via email or phone; and, 9. Figuring out costs and collecting money from families (this function can very quickly be taken over by a group member who volunteers to act as treasurer).